Returning to work

Feeling confident??? You would be unusual if you were!! It’s a funny thing, confidence, isn’t it? When we have it we see clearly, think positively and take decisive action that affirms we were ‘right’ to have that confidence: We are effective and doing well. When we don’t, our thinking is muddled, our inner voice is critical and we delay taking action, confirming how ‘useless’ we are: We can’t do anything ‘right’! And yet where does it come from? Why do some people have bags of it and others not? Strangely enough, it’s simply a choice!

Try this:

Sit with your eyes closed and for 2+ minutes remember yourself in a good situation. Use all your senses to see, hear, feel, smell and taste the experience, dwell on it and enjoy the sensation.

Open your eyes and reflect for a moment on the effect of that memory. What happened in your body? What happened in your mind? How do you feel now?

Now, close your eyes and remember a situation that was unpleasant. Keep this brief, 30 secs or less should be enough to highlight the different way those memories have impacted on you. What did you notice in your body? What happened in your mind? And where might these thoughts lead you?

How do these two different thoughts serve you?

I may have just suggested these 2 alternative thinking packages but we are all capable of coming up with our own! The difference between confident and unconfident people is the thoughts they choose to focus on! We all have good and less good experiences, it’s what we do with them that continues the cycle of beliefs > thinking> behaviour. Depending on your frame of mind, the same experience will be interpreted in different ways which will lead to different behaviour. When Disney was turned down for the 200^th time he didn’t give up, he believed in himself and saw it as another step towards his goal. In fact it took him another 100 goes to get his break! When you as a baby fell over on the 20^th time of attempting to walk, you didn’t see this as ‘failure’ but part of your learning. It’s ok to not get it ‘right’ first time! What were the beliefs that were going on? Those beliefs drive us to persevere until we achieve what we believe we will achieve, whether that be ‘success’ or ‘failure’. As Henry Ford said “if you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right”.

So, how do we turn it round? First of all notice your thoughts. “What if I can’t remember anything?” is a common one. Now imagine you are feeling confident (you can conjure up this feeling by thinking of a situation where you were confident or imagining how a confident person you know would feel). What might you be thinking now? Maybe “I know it will all come rushing back when I walk through that door”. Notice how you feel and what happens in your body when you replace the first thought with the second.

The reality is, you can choose which thought to hold on to.

Having children completely transforms our lives and adjusting to so much change in a short space of time demands all our energy and attention. It is not surprising that switching our attention back to work and trying to be the person we previously were, as well as a Mum, is a bit daunting. So don’t give yourself a hard time if you are anxious but be aware of all your thoughts about work, your children, your relationship with your partner and about yourself. Don’t dismiss them or try to bury them, but write them down. Where they are negative, find a positive alternative that you would like to be thinking. (Example negative thought: “My boss will be looking out for any mistake I make”, replace with positive alternative: “My boss will be really pleased to see me back”). Write that down and practice saying it. Notice how much easier it gets, how it starts to feel natural and how much better it makes you feel!  Are you thinking more clearly? How is your energy level? Choose positive thoughts that you can ‘reluctantly’ accept, i.e. the ones that challenge you but that you do not feel bound to reject outright, maybe ones that you know other people (that you respect) have and live comfortably with. When you have a good few positive thoughts, you can lose the list of negative ones and just keep looking at and saying the positive ones. The more you say them the easier they become to hold. Say them as you go to sleep, say them out loud and say them when you are looking in the mirror. If the last two are difficult, start by saying them in your head and build up to them. To begin with you may find yourself wanting to check in on the old negative thoughts, yes you can still find them if you need them! Don’t be tempted to stay with them. You will know by now that they do not serve you well; their pull is in their familiarity and they are therefore easier to slip into, a bit like an old shoe! After a while the new positive thoughts will start to feel like this.

There are other issues which will need to be addressed when you plan your return to work. The practical arrangements are the more obvious ones and you may notice that these become easier to manage when you are no longer distracted by the anxieties around your ability to perform at work.

Some women realise that the work they did previously is no longer appropriate for them. This may be for practical reasons or it may be about their changed priorities and values. When we are not living our lives in tune with our values, life is more difficult and less fulfilling. Taking time to identify our values is fundamental to designing a life of our choosing and that’s a whole new article!

www.annemiller-lifecoach.co.uk