family and home - be a happy couple
Be a happy couple
Okay, let’s face it, children don’t just put a dampener on your sex life, they can also put a dampener on your whole relationship! Not that it’s any fault of theirs, bless them - it’s just that the relentless round of chores and incessant demands that come as part of the deal with kids can leave you and your partner little time for each other. And yet, the happier you are as a couple the more likely you are to manage your lives effectively and to be positive parents. So here are our top tips for a healthy relationship ...
- Start with yourself
- Think “you”, “me” and “us”
- Put your relationship first
- Like and respect your partner
- Communicate, communicate, communicate!
- Look for the positives
- G-I-V-E
- Argue well
- Stick with it
- Accept change
To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you are as happy as you make up your mind to be. Research has shown that happiness is a state of being, not of having or doing or achieving. Nor is happiness a destination. People often say, "I just want to be happy" or "I just want to have a happy relationship” as if that is a future goal or place in time. The problem is, they never get there. That's because the future is ... in the future! So make the decision to be happier, and start today. It may not be quite as simple as that, but it’s a good place to begin.
Unless you love yourself, it's hard for you to believe that anyone else will. Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any flaws or weaknesses you may have, you'll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can appreciate being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you think you need them to survive. Of course, the happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive you also are to your partner. Think about whether, if you were someone else, you would want to be with you! Start today to work on being the kind of person you would love to know, to go out with, and to stay with long term. If you're not that kind of person now, how can you expect your partner to stay attracted or stay passionate? And remember, this is about looking after yourself, not beating yourself up!
There are always three in every love relationship - “you”, “me” and “us”, or the relationship itself. For a healthy relationship, you need two individuals who each maintain a strong sense of themselves, who take a genuine interest in each other and who also prioritise what they’ve got together, their “us”. This is the bond between them, everything they have shared in the past and will share in the future, their passion, their companionship, their intimacy. And this is the bit that often gets overlooked!
As a mum, it’s easy to lose sight of yourself and find that you are no longer your own person, you’re a parent and your partner’s “other half” … but who are you? (That’s what mummo’s here to help with!) Equally, in some relationships, the pressure of life means that you can become two people each doing your own thing and, to all intents and purposes, simply job-sharing the care of the children. You go out one night, he goes out the next. You have a lie-in on a Saturday morning, he has one on Sunday! But when do you have one together?
Spending time apart is an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities so that you can come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner also helps remind you how important he is to you. But you have to also put some effort into your “us”.
3. Put your relationship first
You and your partner need to be together at the very centre of your family, with your children around you. After all, your relationship is paramount to their happiness, so it’s essential to put it first. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you barely get the chance to speak to each other let alone make love! Bear in mind, though, that the stronger you are as a couple, the more you’ll be able to enjoy your life as a family and provide positive parenting. You’ll get pleasure, comfort and support from each other, first and foremost, and your children will not only see how a relationship can be, they’ll also be freed up to become independent.
So, the secret is to value and make time for your relationship. This means treating it as a priority, and spending time in each other’s company, without kids, pets, mobile phones or other interruptions. You didn’t get together to spend your life apart, did you? So keep in mind why you did choose to get together, however long ago that was! It probably wasn’t so that you could get a better job or a bigger house or spend all night watching TV! Once upon a time, your partner was the most important thing in the world to you. If you value your relationship, he or she still is. Start acting like it again today … and every day.
4. Like and respect your partner
Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes (and hate is the other side of it!). If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away. It's important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support boost self esteem, reinforce trust, and build respect. And respect is absolutely crucial. Whilst you can have respect without love, you can’t have real love without respect.
5. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
It's perfectly natural for any couple to encounter frustrations, disappointments and miscommunications from time to time. But if grievances go unaired, they can pile up to a mountain of resentment and put the relationship at risk. Happy couples make sure they keep the channels of communication open, and navigate those inevitable rough spots with honesty and mutual respect.
So always make time to listen and talk to your partner. Don’t bottle stuff up, as it’ll only eat you up. And remember, no matter how long they’ve known you, it’s unfair and unrealistic to expect your partner to read your mind! However uncomfortable it is, you need to open up and spill the beans about what’s bothering you. That’s the only way you’ll really resolve things and make your relationship even stronger.
Schedule in a regular ‘summit meeting’ to check on the overall wellbeing of your relationship. Think of it as an MOT - a little preventative TLC from time to time helps keep those relationship engines running smoothly, and catches any potential problems before they cause a breakdown.
Focus on the good bits of your partner, and your relationship, rather than on the things that irritate you. In any long term relationship, it’s inevitable that you’ll sometimes (often?!) get on each other’s nerves, and you’re probably going to hit a few rough patches. But if you concentrate on why you got together in the first place and what you like and love about each other, you’ll find it easier to keep the niggles in perspective. If you remember all the good times you’ve had, you’ll be better placed to weather the storms. Not to mention the fact that you’ll have a more enjoyable life! So:
- Don’t compare! There will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier and more successful than you are. So what? Their happiness doesn’t increase or diminish your happiness.
- Don’t waste time and energy on “what if?” Wondering what it would be like to be with someone else for a night, or for a lifetime, is really unfair to your partner. Okay, the occasional fantasy about Brad Pitt could be forgiven, but if you regularly wish you were with another person, you are risking your relationship. You already have a lot invested in your partner, so take care of that investment. The payoff is usually greater than starting all over again.
An American called Matthew Boggs travelled 12,000 miles around the USA interviewing couples who had been married for 40 years or more, in an attempt to discover what makes a happy marriage. One of the lessons he learnt from them was that “Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E”. One of the old men he talked to told him: “Most people think marriage is 50/50. It’s not. It’s 60/40. You give 60. You take 40. And that goes for both of you.” According to Boggs, it’s apparent that in the best of the best marriages, both partners have followed this philosophy. And, as another old lady confirmed, “The great part is that the ‘me’ gets everything it needs when it puts the ‘we’ first”.
Professor John Gottman, author of ‘The Relationship Cure’, has found that 69% of marital conflicts never go away. So if you and your partner tend to clash over a particular issue - money, housework, sex - the chances are you always will! This means it’s vital to work out ways of handling conflict constructively. According to Gottman, couples with a strong, healthy relationship display greater humour, affection and interest during arguments. Rather than shutting down, they are able to stay connected and engaged with one another even when they’re furious. It’s almost as if all the good feelings they’ve accumulated between them form emotional capital that they can draw upon when times get tough. In contrast, Gottman can predict divorce with 90% accuracy by watching couples for clues such as hair-trigger defensiveness, displays of contempt, and criticism of the person rather than their behaviour. So, rather than just letting rip when you’re mad, think of the bigger picture and do your utmost to argue well.
In many cases (excluding scenarios of abuse, of course), you can simplify things just by making the decision to be totally committed to your partner and to the relationship. No matter what happens: financially, health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once the two of you have decided to stay together "no matter what", there is no question of stay or go, yes or no.
It’s vital to remember that all relationships have issues. Happy relationships have issues. Unhappy relationships certainly have issues. It's just that in happy relationships, the couples identify the issues, negotiate the issues, and come to terms with the issues. Couples in unhappy relationships deny, ignore, put up with or run away. Once the two of you have made the decision "no matter what" the emphasis is on the “we”. And that means deciding how to handle things together. It means that all problems are negotiable because there are no ‘your’ problems or ‘my’ problems, there are only ‘our’ problems. Solving them becomes a joint project that can actually bring you closer!
Believe that a happy relationship is not only possible, it's yours for the making. It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and practice. But the many couples who have happy, blissful, and satisfying relationships are proof that it is possible. Just choose to be happy, and choose to be happy together. Yes, you'll still have to work at it. But the rewards are so much greater than the effort. Besides, being single and looking takes effort; being divorced and looking again takes effort. So why not spend the effort inside your relationship instead?
People change over the years and it's these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too - and not always in ways that we want. Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe. In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better, for worse.
