friends and fun - win friends
Win friends
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
Unknown
“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.”
Tennesse Williams, American playwright, 1911-1983
Most of us would agree, it’s a whole lot easier being a mum if you have a strong and supportive network of friends with whom you can laugh, cry and get drunk (on one glass of wine)! And whilst it’s lovely to be mates with other mums in a similar situation to you, it’s also good to stay in touch with old friends from your life Before Children. The tips below are designed to help you in making new friends, although of course they’ll also help you maintain positive relationships with people you already know. Take a look at the mummo knowhow section of the site for more in-depth articles on this subject.
- Get out and meet people ... and talk to them!
- Become genuinely interested in other people
- Learn to be a good listener ... and to really hear what’s being said
- Smile, laugh and be fun to be around
- Be reliable and trustworthy
- Be there
- Stay true to yourself
- Accept and value people for who they are
- Be like the other person
- Remember the details
1. Get out and meet people ... and talk to them!
There are lots of different ways to meet people, including social networking sites like mummo. Use all the resources available to you to find out what’s going on in your local area, and then get out there and join in. Choose activities that are likely to bring you into contact with the kind of people you could be friends with. For example, do a sport that you enjoy, join a club related to one of your hobbies / special interests, or find a nearby mother and toddler group. That way, you’ll at least have some common ground as a starting point for conversation. Having said that, you can sometimes make the best of friends in the most unlikely of places, so just talk to people. Anyone, anywhere, any time! If nothing else, you’ll hone your rapport-building skills and make your life a good deal more interesting. And when you do chat to other people:
- introduce yourself early on, as this will encourage them to do the same
- make small talk (don’t get too personal too soon)
- if you think you’d like to get to know them better, seize the day and ask if they’d like to meet up for a coffee or something
2. Become genuinely interested in other people
Everyone’s favourite subject is themselves. Unless, of course, you’re really expert at winning friends ... in which case the chances are you’re actually more interested in others. It’s a common misconception that you need to be interesting in order to be seen as good “friend material”. In fact, one of the best ways to make people like you is to take an interest in them. And one of the best ways to do this is to ask open questions such as “What ...?”; “How ...?”; “When ...?”; “Where ...?”, and so on (it’s best to avoid “Why ...?” until you know someone quite well, as it can sometimes lead to defensiveness). If done gently and not interrogation-style, this kind of questioning will encourage the other person to talk about themselves and enable you to find out lots of valuable information.
However, it’s important that you are genuinely interested in other people, and not just operating with an ulterior motive. Develop an attitude of curiosity and you’ll be amazed at what you discover and at the impact it has. In Dale Carnegie's famous book, 'How to Win Friends & Influence People', he tells a story of how he sat next to someone at dinner one evening. All night his fellow guest talked; all night Carnegie listened. A few weeks later, he was amazed to hear from a mutual friend how interesting his dinner companion had found him - even though Carnegie had said virtually nothing all evening!
3. Learn to be a good listener ... and to really hear what’s being said
Of course, if you’re going to ask lots of questions and take an interest in other people, it helps if you then listen to what they say! First and foremost, give the person your exclusive, undivided attention. There’s nothing more insulting than someone glancing over your shoulder or checking their mobile phone whilst you’re talking ... so don’t do it to anyone else. Listen carefully and make encouraging noises such as “uh huh” and “mm hmmm” to show that you’re interested. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus on really hearing what the other person is saying to you - the words and the meaning behind them. Your ability to do this will stem naturally from genuine interest (see tip 2.). As Stephen Covey says in his book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, “seek first to understand, then be understood.” And remember, people like people who listen to them.
4. Smile, laugh and be fun to be around
You don't have to be a superstar to be fun. You don't even have to do cartwheels. You do need to be positive and friendly, however, so that people feel good when they're around you. After all, why would anyone want to spend time with someone who brings them down and makes them miserable? From the very first conversation you have with another person, use body language to convey that you are warm, easygoing and approachable. Smile frequently, laugh often, and make eye contact. Talk confidently, without being cocky. Be enthusiastic in your greetings, without going over the top. Focus on positives rather than negatives, without being nauseating! In short, aim to be a pleasure to be with.
5. Be reliable and trustworthy
It’s all very well winning friends, but you won’t keep them for very long if you don’t treat them with respect. This means being reliable and trustworthy. When you say you’ll do something, do it … so that people know they can count on you. When you get told a secret, keep it. After all, one of the best things about having a friend is that you have someone to whom you can talk about anything, even secrets that you hide from the rest of the world. Others will only open up to you if you have earned their trust. Be honest about yourself and your beliefs, and don’t gossip or spread rumours.
This one’s simple. Be an all-weather friend instead of a fair weather friend. Friends deserve your support through the bad times as well as the good, and you’re not much of a mate if you disappear as soon as things stop being fun. If you really value your friends, you’ll show it.
Good friends sometimes have to do things they don’t really want to do, like helping a friend to move house or going to see a film they’d rather not! But you should never feel pressured to do something you think is wrong or, just as importantly, wrong for you. Stay true to your convictions and beliefs, and don’t pretend to be something you’re not. If this causes you to lose a few friends, you're better off without them. You'll find that your integrity will almost certainly win you a lot of other friends and, if you just be yourself, at least you’ll know that people like you for who you are.
8. Accept and value people for who they are
There’s one inescapable fact about other people - you can’t change them, much as you might like to! You can only change yourself. The key to harmonious friendships (and relationships in general) is to accept and value people for who they actually are, good bits, bad bits, warts ‘n’ all! Respect their personality, beliefs, values, time, energy and everything they care about. Praise them and make them feel important and appreciated. After all, criticising someone doesn’t help - it just makes them miserable, defensive and resentful. Your best chance of influencing another person’s behaviour is to give them positive reinforcement when they behave in the way that you want them to. So, if a friend is often late, rather than having a go at them just tell them how much you appreciate it when they’re on time. And, if that doesn’t work and it’s a trait you really can’t tolerate, review your friendship.
You can normally tell at a glance when two people are getting on well, because their body language reflects the level of rapport between them. They’ll match and mirror each other - for example, when one of them crosses their legs or fiddles with their hair, the other one will probably do something similar. We all tend to like people who are like us, so if you want to make friends with someone it helps if you adopt a similar stance to them in terms of your body language, gestures, voice tone and speed. Of course, mimicking them doesn’t help - the trick is to be subtle! Pick up on the key words, favourite phrases and ways of speaking that someone uses and build these into your own conversation - again, subtly! Breathe in unison with them. All of these things happen naturally when you’re in rapport with someone, so all you’re essentially doing is fast-forwarding the process.
We all know how great it feels when someone remembers our name - or, even better, the names of our children - after only a brief meeting! If you really value someone, you pay attention to them and remember the details about them. You ask where they’re going on holiday, listen to the answer, and then remember and use it next time you see them. It’s the difference between “Did you have a good time?” and “How was your week’s camping in France?” As one online expert suggests, a wonderful way of influencing people is to “cook their favourite meal before they realise they’re hungry”! In other words, we find out what they love to eat, remember and then offer it to them unprompted one day. My mum’s version of this is simply to find out what her friends’ favourite chocolate bars are and then post a Twix or a Toblerone or whatever it might be through their letterbox every now and then!
